RSS

TW: Suicide Attempt

19 Aug

** TRIGGER WARNING, SUICIDE**

My head hurts from crying so much. I don’t know what else to do; I’m not supposed to be here!!

I have been planning this for two weeks, checking out the area, making sure I had everything and yet, here I am, still alive the day after I was supposed to die.

It was an important date, it was my birthday. But as I had expected, with my family deciding it’d be ok to be away for it, I was all alone and by 10.30pm when I left the house I hadn’t seen another person.

Birthdays are tough for me, they are childhood anniversary dates as well as something bad happening with the gang on one of them. I struggle, I’ve been telling my care co-ordinator that this is a tough time for me and yet I had no contact for the 10 days leading up to it. I missed an appointment two weeks ago and she took that as a sign that I needed a break from them (added to the fact I was so angry over the therapy decision) and so left me a message to call to make an appointment, I never did, I was too busy planning my suicide.

Unfortunately, the one thing I didn’t plan was a good samaritan being around and calling the police and ambulance (I’m not going to go in to detail as I don’t want anyone to pick up any method ideas), but the tablets I took were merely taken so that I couldn’t back out.

I was taken to hospital, the police sorted my car out and parked it at the hospital for me and made sure I was ok. The ambulance staff sat and spoke to me, treated me like a human being, even though I couldn’t stop sobbing.

I was taken straight to a bay and then from this point is I don’t remember much, the tablets were kicking in and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I do remember someone, I think it was a doctor asking me why and giving me the name of a woman whose book I should read. That she had been through similar and I might find it helpful. I asked her to write it down as I wouldn’t remember but she obviously got side tracked. I thought that was lovely though!

Before I knew it, 6 hours had passed and I vaguely remember telling a psych liaison officer that I just wanted to die. He knew who my cc and psychiatrist was and said they were sending me home in a taxi and I needed to sleep it all off but someone would call me later.

I did get a call about 5 hours later from duty as my cc isn’t in until Wednesday. I don’t remember much of the call as I was still so docile but she said she’d let me sleep and if I needed anyone then to call back and they would call again tomorrow.

It is now close enough to 24 hours since I first started the attempt and I’m only just starting to keep my eyes open for longer than 5 minutes. I feel devastated and gutted. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel like ‘but it must have happened for a reason that you’re still here’. I feel pathetic, shameful, weak, that I can’t even do this right. I wanted to die, it was the answer to everything. Today, I don’t have it in me to make any other attempt, and so instead I sit here in the pain I was trying to escape and just cry.

Advertisements
 
6 Comments

Posted by on August 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , ,

6 responses to “TW: Suicide Attempt

  1. Cee Hart

    August 19, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    I know you won’t agree with me right now, but I’m glad you’re still here.

    I wish that you had somebody close, a family member or friend, who could back you up. Someone who would remember that birthdays are a trigger for you. You’ve been dealing with this stuff a whole lot longer than I have, and I know I couldn’t do it all alone. Even with help, I’m a mess.

    Birthdays should be happy times. We need to get you back to the point where they are happy again.

     
  2. Lucy

    August 19, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    I’m so sorry things are so painful for you right now. Please try and be gentle with yourself and rest up. x

     
  3. Pam Smith

    August 19, 2013 at 11:55 pm

    Sorry you’re having such an awful time. Praying for you X

     
  4. kerrichronicles

    August 20, 2013 at 12:24 am

    You deserve to be known and loved for who you are a person with all the hurt and the heartbreak. I pray that you find someone close to you to talk to and I mean deeply talk to so you can share your pain and begin to heal.

     
  5. kerrichronicles

    August 20, 2013 at 12:30 am

    I know that you don’t know me and a stranger to your life but I have been raped so I know first hand the demons that you fight. I am open to talk with you anytime. Please feel free to email me and I will give you my phone number if you need it. You are worth a million times more as an individual in this world than I can explain in the box but please don’t take your life! Please don’t let those that have hurt you win.

     
  6. lyttle green

    August 20, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    I’m so sorry you feel this way. I wish there was something I could do. Yet to be kind to yourself.

     

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: