On Tuesday I had an appointment with my care coordinator that didn’t go very well. I explained I’d been having suicidal thoughts and was having a tough time, but this period had been going on for about 3 or 4 weeks and didn’t show any sign of letting up. To be honest, I’d hit a slump after trying to take my own life on my birthday (in August) and which my cc has since told me was an extremely serious attempt (well the plan wasn’t to be here so I wasn’t exactly playing at it!!)
All I wanted was to be left alone. I know how I work, I go very insular and once I’ve dealt with things in my own way, I come out ready to face the world again. I explained this to my cc and that I’d be in touch when I was ready for an appointment next week.
Not an hour had passed after she left when I got a voicemail from her to say my psychiatrist wanted to see me on Thursday (yesterday) in clinic. I’ll admit that I wasn’t 100% sure I was going to go but was worried that they’d come round to my place and that would be 100 times worse and so I decided I’d show I was making an effort and go along.
I was with my psychiatrist and my cc for well over an hour. We discussed my meds, my lack of sleep and how that was having such a negative impact on things, my suicidal thoughts and any plans I had. After all this she said she thinks that I need to go on the ward as they can keep me safe and sort meds out so hopefully my lack of sleep never reaches these proportions again.
I obviously refused. My experience of a ward isn’t good at all and I really struggle and to be honest I’d take not sleeping any day of the week over being in there. And the came the magic words, “you can come in informally or I’ll request a mental health act assessment and we will detain you, it’s your choice”. Well no, actually, there’s no choice there at all!! When I said this, they said that they believe that choice needed to be taken away from me as I wasn’t seeing things properly at the moment and couldn’t see this was for the best.
So backed in to a corner, I agreed to go in as an informal patient as I wanted to try and keep both my psychiatrist and cc on side in some small way. And so here I am, sat on my bed (at least it’s in a private room), writing this post and not wanting to be here and here are a couple of reasons why:
1) It’s a mixed ward. Whilst there is a female only area, in order to get to the meds room, dining room, nurses station or lounge, I have to walk through the male section. I’m terrified, just thinking about it panics me so much and there is nothing I can do about it!
2) I have ptsd. I’m jumpy. There are so many noises and voices all the time, never mind when the alarm goes off for a difficult patient (talking of which, off it goes right now). I can’t settle, my brain won’t switch off. This is all the more apparent that even after a strong sleeping tablet last night, I only managed 2 hours sleep.
This is not the environment for someone with my symptoms and I’ve no idea how long I’m going to be in here for. I am trying to see it from their perspective, they don’t feel they could have left me the way I was and taken the risk, but it’s not even been 24hrs and already I want to go home!