I’m a 32 year old female who until 16th December 2009 was living a life I was extremely happy with. I had built up my own business, lived on my own in a nice new york style apartment and had a close network of friends giving me a social life I was really happy with. Obviously I had the normal life problems that everyone has that made life unpredictable but nothing that caused any amount of real issues. If I’m honest I had the mentality of ‘If you aren’t happy, then change things until you are’ and really couldn’t understand how people got so low that they couldn’t just sort it out themselves. Yes, now I am ashamed of those views but I guess I represent a lot of people in society and how they view people who have any type of mental illness.
To me safe meant making sure you weren’t alone on a night out with friends at 3am…. not keeping yourself safe from yourself.
Engaged meant the step before marriage…not the relationship I would try and get with mental health services.
Anxious was a state I very rarely felt and only came about by things like university exams….not the act of opening my door to try and go outside.
I could go on but I think you get the jist of how things have changed for me.
Anyway, on 16th December 2009, I was attacked by 4 men – one of which was one I was kind of seeing at the time. I am not in a place where I want to go in to this too much now but I have written it as if a story here.
For the next two years I buried my head in the sand and threw myself in to work and in all honesty thought I was ok and I had nothing to deal with. And then the 1st anniversary hit and ever since then I have gone downhill. I have since been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a major depressive episode and social anxiety. I been involved with the local crisis team a few times, think all the time about suicide (and even attempted it a couple of times) and now have a care co-ordinator (called cc in my posts) from the local community mental health team (CMHT), psychiatrist and therapist. I also spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric unit in Jan 2012. How times have changed!!
The one thing that I do to try and deal with my emotions is write things down and so I decided to collate everything on this blog. The intention of it is purely a place for me to vent and get my feelings out but if in any way this can help just 1 person then I would be really happy!
I have found notes in my diary from the beginning of March and so have tried to put them in some coherent posts but they are written more in a more factual way than emotional. Only from now on will I be writing in the present and so will write about things that happen as they happen and any emotions involved.
The aim of this blog is to show my journey (and hopefully happy ending) after something happened to me that I always thought happened to other people. By putting this online for everyone to see I want to show (myself more than anything) that I should not feel ashamed. It wasn’t my fault and that’s something I need to start accepting – maybe this is step 1!!
I am also twitter as @femaleptsd – please feel free to add me & say hi!