So it’s been a while! A lot has happened since my last post but I’m not sure I’m ready to fully go in to things at the moment. I am only just feeling like I am coming out of the other side of what I feel has been a bad depression and I’ve not had the motivation to be out of bed never mind write a blog post.
A brief update on my therapy – A couple of weeks ago my therapist told me she would be going on maternity leave in November. It felt like she expected some kind of reaction from me but I offered her my congratulations and we briefly discussed what we would be doing in that time and then moved on.
In this weeks therapy session, she said she had been checking how many actual sessions we had left and with her taking annual leave, we have 9 sessions (doesn’t sound much when put in figures rather than months!). I asked what would happen at the end of our time, thinking that over the last few sessions someone else might be introduced to take over. She explained she thought we would be done with the coping strategy side of things and so it would be a natural conclusion and I would go back on the waiting list for a different type of therapy – the waiting time is between 6 & 9 months plus depending on the type of therapy.
I asked if she wasn’t going on maternity leave would I still be stopping with her and moving to a different therapy? She explained the plan was to work on coping strategies and then trying again with EMDR with her, so I guess my question is why does the plan change because she is going on maternity leave, surely it should still be the same? But instead I’m being told that we won’t do EMDR and instead I’ll be looking at a different therapy (CAT and more psycho dynamic therapies have been mentioned) but that will be 9 months later. When I was waiting for therapy initially I was sold emdr as a magic pill, that is the best treatment available for PTSD, so why all of a sudden isn’t it?
I know I should be grateful that I’ve had therapy at all on the NHS and for the period I have (about 9 months), but I guess this is me feeling the cuts that have taking place as I don’t think they are replacing her when she goes, hence me going on a waiting list.
I’ve already seen her leaving have an effect my therapy; on weds, we spoke about the fact I’m scared to sleep because I can wake up screaming and dripping in sweat after a nightmare. We discussed exposure therapy in terms of writing out in detail my nightmare after I’ve had one and then in therapy exposing myself to it (reading it back) and doing this again and again, over weeks, so the impact of it diminishes.
As with any exposure therapy, the more you expose yourself to it, the less impact it has. But I told my therapist that I was worried we would open a can of worms and in 9 sessions wouldn’t be able to deal with that as well as the other stuff she has planned and then where would I be? Feeling exposed, vulnerable and on a 9 month waiting list!! Not too sure on this one what to do?
I know people have advised me to fight it, that it’s wrong but I know at the minute I’m fighting so many battles in myself that I can’t take another one on!! I had a visit from a cpn (community psychiatric nurse) who is covering for my usual cc and I asked her about the therapy thing and she basically agreed with therapist. She said that my cc will have access to psychology services in the meantime to ask questions and maybe work through things with me that they recommend but surely they are totally different jobs?
Anyway, that’s my rant over for today!!