Today I went to meet my new therapist. My last session with my previous therapist was in November before she went on maternity leave, so it’s been a couple of months. I’ll admit to feeling rather anxious, things haven’t been easy over the Christmas/New Year period and I feel on a very tight rope at the moment.
Taking all this in to account, I still went along today with an open mind. I remember first meeting my last therapist and having reservations about her. I thought she was too ‘fragile’ and didn’t feel able to speak my mind. Once I overcame this obstacle though, we forged a good relationship and by the end, she knew how to help me and get the best from me.
I know this took time to grow and so I knew that any new therapist I met I’d have to go through this process with. If I’m being honest, I don’t think I ever accepted the end of that last relationship. It has felt more like she has been on holiday and it was only going back to the offices today and seeing someone else that it has sunk in.
The fact is, the new therapist needs to understand me by asking me questions, being around me and seeing how I work. No amount of notes will give that kind of information and I understand this and am ok with it. What I don’t want to go over is the facts and basics of why I’m there, they won’t change from what is written down.
Today, I feel like I’ve had to explain my situation to someone who has never heard it before and that takes a lot from me. I don’t need right now to be reminded of it all, I need help to deal with the thoughts, the nightmares, the flashbacks – not to be triggered to all this.
This is personal preference, but when in therapy, I don’t like note taking. I feel it creates a barrier and on a number of occasions I had to repeat myself as she was writing previous thoughts whilst I’d moved on. That’s fine for some, but it takes me a lot to say it the first time and I just don’t feel like I want to sit repeating myself.
I know each therapist has their own style and no two are ever the same but I thought there were certain things they are trained in. For example, if unclear, ask and don’t make assumptions. This didn’t seem to be true today and I found myself getting frustrated because I kept having to say no. For example (and this is a stupid example) but I told her I felt being back in therapy was like having a mountain in front of me and that the top of the mountain was feeling how I did with previous therapist and therefore able to carry on where I left off. She thought I meant that therapy as a whole was a mountain and so I tried to clarify that I meant coming back in to therapy, not the process as a whole. After 10 mins of trying to explain what I meant, I gave up. The problem is, I generally work in analogies, it allows me to express my thoughts and everyone I’ve worked with so far has got this part of me straight away. However she seemed to make assumptions and once that had been made, wouldn’t change from it.
To be honest, after the appointment today, I have been left thinking that I don’t know if therapy is the right thing for me at the minute. I feel in too vulnerable a place for this. It has left me in a very low place.